Bullying at school - can anyone help please
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My 11 year old very loving Great Nephew is having a terrible time at school which has been going on for over two year's. He is a very polite, nice little fellow who is suffering panic attacks thinking he is going to be sick and also the thought of the bullies at school. He is being taken to school kicking and screaming as my niece doesn't want him to get the idea that if he starts he can stay at home. He is under the Doctor who has referred him to a psychiatrist. I am sure there will be other mum's and dad's out there who have had this problem and any suggestion, small or large would be appreciated. Also he is going to see an expert in bullying but it doesn't seem to be working. I am very concerned as I love him dearly and as his Great Aunt feel very bad that I can't come up with an answer.
Additional Information
Thanks for your interest Jazzj. I saw Aiden just before Christmas and he was looking very forward to his BMX. I'm hoping his Father will take him out and about now so he gets a bit of confidence. I very subtly brought Judo into the conversation and told him all about my son doing it when he was roughly his age and told him I thought he would love it too. I said we would buy him all he needs if he would like to go. I told him to have a think over Christmas and to let me know. I have a feeling he isn't very interested though. I wasn't treading on his parent's toes as I had mentioned it before he came. He does play football and goes to cubs but still has panic attacks in the car when he is going.
Next week will be the telling time and I'm praying he will be ok.
Answers (12)
I should have added that the school know about the bullying but up to now haven't really done much about it. They are saying they will have him shadowed so that may help.
The school seems badly at fault here Sabre. They should act and keep the parents informed every step of the way as to their actions.
It's good that your nephew is seeing a counselor if only to get his concerns off his chest but I do feel the answers if indeed there are any lie with the school, pupil and parents.
My heart goes out to you and all concerned in this ghastly scenario Sabre and hope and pray for a speedy resolve.
Hi Sabre, I'm so sorry to hear that, you and his parents must be very concerned about him!
I've no direct experience of bullying at school, but my daughter developed a school phobia due to forever having to change schools thanks to our RAF life. She went to seven primary schools! The symptoms were very similar and it was a very difficult problem to solve.
There's a good BBC help-guide to school bullying here, with links to other really good specialist bullying websites for parents and children...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/parents/bullying/
Poor little chap! :-(
How awful!!! As you may know from my postings i have a 14yr daughter and she is an only child. My daughter has encountered bullying in her primary school and it was absolutely horrendous! I also felt the school did not solve the matter as i had a unsuccessful meeting with the school. So i actually contacted my local council authority spoke to the education secretary and i felt the school did then speak to the pupils concerned and their parents. I would insist the school speak to the parents and if possible all parties to have a meeting. My daughter was the same age as your great nephew and now that my daughter is in secondary school she has not had any problems whatsoever than god. Children can be so cruel! Your poor great nephew and your neice must feel so helpless. It's the school that is at fault if its happenening at school then its their resposibility!!! If your neice has no problems at home with him and he comes into contact with other siblings or cousins etc then i would highlight this to the school that its only in school!!! Ask the school if they have an anti bullying policy in school if so ask for a copy and find out why they have not followed the procedure.I never ever got one but they claimed there was an anti bullying policy in place! Please keep us updated on this matter i hated that time in our life what my daughter had to put up with.
I'm sure Sabre will find your experience very helpful, Serena. The website www.bullying.co.uk (which I found through the BBC guide mentioned below) gives very good advice and instructions on how to deal with an unhelpful school, including template letters to send to the Head, Governors, Local Authority, Director of Education, Ofsted etc.
Hi Sabre. I can't speak from experience as a parent, but as a teacher this makes me really angry. It's been going on for over 2 years? Sorry but what the hell are the teachers doing about this? Whatever they are doing it is not enough.
My fiance's niece has been taken out of her school for a similar reason. However, she was not secured a place at another school first. The bullying got so serious that the only option was to take her out of school. It breaks my heart. She is still waiting to be placed in a school, and this was 8 months ago.
Have the bully's parents been contacted.
I really think the school and teachers are at fault here - there is no way it should have been allowed to get this far.
Thanks you all for your love and support over this terrible matter. He is reduced to a screaming and shouting terrified little human being. I feel totally helpless at the moment and tried to suggest so many things. He is as I've said a very loveable child who has had the best of upbringings with devoted parents. Unfortunately he is very sensitive and the bullies obviously know this. On the other hand he is very popular with a lot of the boys and girls but they seem to disappear when he needs support. He plays football, swims, goes to cubs and goes away from home on cub holidays so he isn't "a mummy's boy". He is intelligent and kind and nice to be with. He has a twinkle in his eye and so funny. This has now all been destroyed as he has these awful panic attacks - life is so unfair isn't it. My niece has done everything in her power to help him; going to school, ringing the school, dragging him to school contacting other parents. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The only good thing is he has a new headmistress and she has told my niece to take him to school early (if she can get him there) and she will give him some jobs to do to keep him occupied and also she's put him in charge of the younger children and asked him to keep an eye on them - this is to give him more confidence. Thanks again for all your support it is much appreciated and I will keep you all posted.
Hello Sabre.
The best think you can do is to move school and area as soon as possible.Write letter to the City council(by email is faster) and ask for the place in a very good schooll in a good area.
I have done it for my son and it worked out.
Than I rented out my flat and rented our flat in a good area next to the school(exchanged).
Say to him everyday he is wonderful, he is strong, he is confident.He will build up confidence.
Say hello to him. We all love him.
Hi Sabre, just came across this, obviously missed it in the past. How's it going now? Any improvement?
Hi Sabre ... from the advice that I have seen in the past on situations like this, the first thing is to spend quality time with the boy and get him to open up to whatever the problems are. This can be a trusted friend or family member who does this. Identifying the boy's inner concerns are the first step and providing moral support so that he knows he is not alone. If the issue is principally school based, the school should be allowed to take charge as they should have a mandate and policy to do so. Both my kids suffered in some way at the local community college and I was the first to nag the school heads and teachers as to my perceived seriousness of the situation. In fact, my son had his eye closed up by a bully and I was adamant that the police be called as it remained a criminal assault ( as it certainly would have been had a parent done it ). I insisted I would call the police and the school were so afraid of the adverse publicity that they took dramatic internal action ( I believe the boy was suspended briefly ) and the problem disappeared. It could of course have preciptated into a much bigger problem and thankfully the parents of the bully took responsibility which is the best outcome. However, I am by no means and expert but this is a dramatic situation ( could be life changing for the poor lad ) and needs dramatic action. I have found a few advice sites on the social problem forum that I subscribe to :
Hmmm..I'm not so sure about the school being allowed to take charge Snoopy, unless the parent pushes for action quite often the attitude is one of monitoring the situation. They should all have an anti bullying policy, and the head and the governors have a duty of care to the pupils, and all pupils have the right to be able to learn in a safe environment, and sometimes it helps to remind them of it (in writing, as then it becomes part of the complaints procedure).
Thank you Snoopy and Jazzj for all the information you have kindly left me. I shall pass this on to Aiden's parents and hope it will do some good. He goes to a new school in September (senior) so hopefully things will turn round for him. Thank you
Fingers crossed Sabre, if the problem continues its worth asking the schools to ensure he's not in the same tutor groups as the ones he has problems with in the new school. It'll give him a chance to start anew with peers that have no preconceptions, and hopefully it'll give him time to blossom. In the meantime take comfort in the fact that you have a lovely sensitive great nephew.
Do you know Sabre, its always the nice ones that get picked on..my oldest is very clever, always top, and when we moved here she was head and shoulders academically above the rest, plus she stands out because she had red hair. The problem started in her first week at the primary and continued into secondary where a group cornered her in the changing rooms and punched and kicked her. The heads of both schoola each tried dismissing it as 'high spirits' but eventually I blew my top, saying they had failed their duty of care, failed to follow their bulllying policy etc, called in the police and reported it to the local education authority and said I would be talking to the newspapers. The result? Instant suspensions for all those involved and no trouble since. I did try being nice about it to start off with but quite homestly I felt I was fobbed off.
Its absolutely hearbreaking and I do sympathise, my daughter became very stoic about it and began to accept that that was her lot in life so to speak. Now she's on to A' levels and doing well, a confident young leader for the Duke of Edinburgh scheme and vociferous defender of the underdog!
Fingers crossed for next week, really do hope everything goes well
Oh Jazzj! That sounds horrific! My daughter suffered in primary but as soon as she went into secondary she's been totally fine but that does sound horrific!! I did the same i let the school deal with it was fobbed off! Then i said i wanted the police involved when my daughter was threatened with a knife and i informed the local authority this all settled in the last six months of her primary education. I do think its the nice pretty girls who actually are clever and come up top of the class that get bullied its all jealousy!!
I believe in karma what goes around comes around!! Shame on them!!!
My niece on my late husband's side was extremely pretty and clever and was very good at needlework. Some of the other girls in the class were so jealous she hardly dare carry on with her work. She was pushed down the stairs, her head was bashed against the pegs used for hanging coats up and she suffered umpteen bruises and verbal abuse. As the year's past she got on top of it and ended up going to University and was offered a fantastic job abroad and has never lived in this Country since only coming home to visit her parents and twin sisters and to get married. So sometimes children can overcome it even if they remember it always.
They can and do overcome Sabre, am amazed at the resilience of my daughter at times, but she's got my stubborn and determined streak in her. 'They' pick on anyone who's different Serena, and if you're pretty and intelligent it's sad to say but you're a prime target. Breaks my heart when I think what she's been through, but she's strong, and aiming for Cambridge. So proud of her
Hi to all the kind people who tried to help Aiden.
Just an update. A couple of day's ago one lad started bullying him again. He told him if he didn't stop he would thump him. There is an assistant who he can go to so he told her what he was going to do. The next day the lad started on him and his friend again calling them all these horrible names and Aiden turned round and thumped him. Hopefully the lad will learn he can't always bully people. I
know it's not very nice for him to thump him but at least he finally stuck up for himself and at least he did give him warning of what he was going to do.
Also on the same day he was calling a little ginger haired lad ginger nut and he took exception and pushed him over a bicycle.
I hope he didn't get into trouble for thumping him Sabre? My son is very tall for his age, head and shoulders above the rest (doesn't take after me clearly), and very placid. He had a lad who continually mocked him for losing his hair and eventually he thumped him as hard as he could in the stomach. The teacher as good as said well done, what took him so long!
We all are praying he will be ok! I think the bullies will all be occupied with what they got for xmas etc they probably calm down. Judo is such a wonderful idea but if he doesn't want to then its best not to push him. I've always put an idea in my daughter's head then when she would say she was unsure i would contact the club and ask if she can watch the first session and let her make her mind up... It might be an idea if he's unsure a quiet word with the judo master he may offer free taster session...
Just saw this in the related questions bit Sabre, hope things have settled down now..............?
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good luck as a parent of children I can totally sympathise and hope things get better. Possibly a secondary school in a different catchment area might help.